...wonder how they eat and breath, and other science facts

Just as a warning, I’m kinda extra hostile today.
Billboard Magazine for April 16, 2005

• The cover is enough to get me: Gwen Stefani (in this weird bondage-y Alice In Wonderland get up/setting) and Rob Thomas, looking all pensive. I guess we’re supposed to think he looks sensitive, but what he really looks like is, “I miss my friends. Why did I decide to do a solo album again?” Also on the cover are: pic of Dave Matthews looking even puffier than usual advertising the “Touring Special Report,” Elton John looking less puffy than usual in yet another “funky” pair of glasses, some country guy who appears to be looking, Brady Bunch credits-style, at Gwen’s boobs, and Garbage. I believe I covered the “why are they still around?” issue last time.
  
• Page 7: Do I need to even comment on the AoL ad that says “Sell Out Big Time”? I believe I do. Damn, AoL annoys me. Mostly, this is because my parents still insist on using it. On their Mac. In a household with one Pitt employee and one Pitt student, so if they want to go the sucky dial-up route, I just don’t know why they’re paying for it.
  
• Page 11: “Taylor Hawkins & the Coattail Riders”. Stop. Just…stop. On a brighter note, Ric Ocasek launched his own imprint through Sanctuary Music, called Inverse Records. Apparently, it’s going to do something with The Hong Kong, who I mostly associate with the Lucky Magazine piece about the lead singer’s gadgets, home décor, etc. This is in cross-eyed lady’s column, by the way.
  
• Page 27: There’s one thing about Billboard that I’m endlessly frimpressed* by, it’s the industry angle. Here we’ve got an article that’s “profiles of some of the players in transportation and production” with a picture of a big honkin’ tour bus, the kind that always makes me think of Selena, which isn’t a problem, because I kind of like thinking about Selena. It’s my favorite cheesy biopic of a dead pop star, hands down.
  
• Page 38: Kelly Osborne totally looks like she’s wearing a wig. Way too much hair, and I should know what too much hair looks like. And who gave Puffy a megaphone? If I can think of one accessory that man doesn’t need, it’s a goddam megaphone. We already hear enough of you, P.
  
• Page 44: New Backstreet Boys single: “Vocally, BSB aim for a more organic edge, though for better or worse, the act sounds an awful lot like Blessed Union of Souls or Bryan Adams here.” If the Backstreet Boys, excuse me, BSB (NKOTB?) really sounded like Bryan Adams, I would like them. I bought my first real six-string, got it at the five and dime, indeed. New Wallflowers single as well. Jakob’s so pretty, and yet so bland. Oh! Speaking of Dylans, Greil Marcus has a new book coming out all about “Like a Rolling Stone”. My birthday is June 27. I’m just saying. Also new singles from Avril Lavigne and Def Leppard.
  
• Page 49: This issue is decidedly lacking in the cute boy department. Even normally attractive artists are either not pictured or not pictured flatteringly. For instance, here’s a bad photo of Josh Homme, who I still can’t figure out why I’m attracted to, I just am. Like Ryan on the OC.

*Frimpressed, if you care, and I’m pretty well convinced that no one does, is a word I made up to mean that feeling of fear at a skill and being impressed at a skill. Creating marionettes to act out episodes of “My Two Dads”, for example, is a frimpressive act. The word hasn’t caught on as well as “bagoy” (and its plural, “bagoyim”), which is a bread-ring style bagel.