Why do you always have to be such a mega-bitch?

You'll note that, since the title isn't a reference to Fast Times at Ridgemont High, this isn't a BSC fanficish post. Instead, this may be an ongoing thing. See, here at work, I get Billboard magazine, since I'm one of the people who orders music. Ever read Billboard? It's possibly the most soul-sucking publication (and even they talked shit on Stefani's solo album--DAMN). Every time I read it, there's a running commentary in my head. Sometimes, the commentary also shows up in an email to Tiff, but that's just selfish.
So I'm keeping this window open and writing this post as I read the April 9, 2005 issue of Billboard magazine. You can read along if you like, but I can't promise any beeps when it's time to turn the page.

• cover: OK, did someone do an extensive search to find the ugliest British band? One of the big draws for Anglophiles like me is that, generally, British bands are just prettier. In fact, let's extend that to all of the British Isles. My birthday is June 27, if someone wants to buy me the Belle and Sebastian DVD.
• I kind of really like that Kaiser Chiefs Riot song. I ordered the cd for the library since the single seems to be everywhere. Same with Louis XIV, except I don't really like that song. Generally, this is my cd collection development policy: if I can't escape the song, or know that I could easily force it on at least 3-4 patrons, or have heard of the rap artist (hip hop isn't very popular here, so I know if I've heard of it, it'll be a big draw), I buy it.
• page 3: I heard the new Garbage song. Why are they still recording, again? Also, I heard what can only be solo Billy Corgan on the radio this morning. Why am I compelled to listen every damn time I hear his voice? Who wants some honey?
• page 5: Oasis. Hee.
• Hey Brian, on page 12 Rev Al Sharpton's talking about hip-hop beefs.
• page 15: The most frightening headline, ever: "Blues Traveler, Hootie Return." It's in Melinda Newman's column as well, and, well, it's mean, but I really wish her photo would be airbrushed. Girlie's crosseyed like--wasn't there some Wayans brother character who was crosseyed? I've got an image in my head of a Wayans with his eyes crossed, acting all crazy.
• Actually, a big sidebar for my Billboard reading could be a list entitled, "Who the fuck let them make another album/tour?"
• page 16: I think Michelle Williams is the prettiest of Destiny's Children. Thoughts?
• page 19: Audioslave=unnecessary.
• Here's that Oasis article I was promised. My favorite Oasis memory is when they were on MTV Beach House performing a song that Noel sang, so Liam just sat on a stool. No tambourine, nothing. Bad. Ass.
• Ew, Jet are opening for Oasis. Yuck. Wouldn't mind seeing Oasis; wonder how far I'd have to drive. Not really willing to pay $30-40, though.
• page 37: Todd Martens, everybody: the Dick (High Fidelity, not anatomy) of Billboard. You know he was all like, Wait! I have to change into my Wilco jacket before you take the picture! True to form, though, I am attracted to the guy, and he's got the only column I actually read everytime, instead of just skimming for snark material. A couple months ago, my favorite Philadelphia record store (AKA) showed up there, but I dont' remember in what context.
• page 41: Who's heard about this Alanis acoustic Jagged Little Pill? Do I need to say unnecessary again? Yeah, it's being released only at Starbucks first b/c you have to be in an uncaffienated coma to think it's a good purchase. I really hate Alanis, De-Lovely contribution nonwithstanding. Last issue, there was some local record store owner bitching out the agreement as being unfair to his customers, who want the cutting edge, best, newest, etc. My response: then why are they after Alanis? Why!? (Green slime just fell on my head. Wait, was that "why"?)
• page 63: Is the Bloc Party any good? Now there's a cute British band!

Here endeth the readalong.