Next, I'm going to find a sleeping dog to not let lie.

OK, I know I'm going to get shit for this one, but can someone explain to me what on earth possessed author, agent, publisher, etc. to name a "squeaky clean" (according to SLJ) book Sex Kittens and Horn Dawgs Fall In Love?
It just seems like asking for a banning to me. And--what a surprise--it has been.
And doesn't it seem like SLJ had to include that "squeaky clean" only because of the title?
You can read the SLJ and Booklist reviews here.
Book Description (from jacket flap):

Meet Felicia, 14-year-old student at the Manhattan Free Children's School (also known as the Pound). In Felicia's world, she and her best friends, Jess and Kat, like to refer to themselves as the Sex Kittens, and the boys they know as the Horn Dawgs.
Felicia is getting tired of waiting for a Horn Dawg to notice her uniqueness, however. So she devises a project she and the object of her affection, Matthew the Science Brain, can work on together. Felicia is determined to discover the Secret of Love with Matthew while winning both Matthew's heart and the science fair. But love has other plans.
(Doesn't it always?)

Now, before you get all riled up, YES, I bought this for the teenhole. YES, if someone tried to challenge it, I'd fight. But, you know, I almost didn't buy it. Think back to when you were in 6th grade (SLJ puts this book as for 6-9 grade; Booklist says 7-10), at the library with your parents. Or at the school library with your friends. Would you have picked up a book with the word SEX in big bubble letters on the cover? It's embarrassing.
It seemed then, and still does now, like this title was chosen specifically to perk up sales on what would otherwise be yet another nice girl romance. Read those reviews again. Go ahead, I'll wait. They aren't very good, are they?
VOYA's is better:

One of the better humorous and sexless chick-lit books, it might attract male readers. The book is a match for middle school and public libraries.

But, again, my middle-schoolers who want sexless chicklit AREN'T GOING TO GET A BOOK WITH "SEX" ON THE COVER PAST THEIR PARENTS.
Plus, how many damn times can SLJ say "light and fluffy" in one review? For reals.
Kirkus almost comes out and calls it false advertising, which is really my point, too:

Although the title belies something steamier, this is a tame offering for younger teens who enjoy Meg Cabot's and Sue Limb's books and are looking for pure entertainment.

If I pick up a book that says SEX on the cover, I've got certain expectations, dammit. This is what I don't like about most pulps, either. And I don't think your average teenage girl would disagree. Otherwise, VC Andrews' corpse is out of a job.
***
SLJ's on my shitlist right now, anyway, because they totally blew the ending of Pucker in their review.

Man, Billy Bragg really hates James Blunt.

Billboard May 20, 2006

• I've been listening to a lot of the KEXP podcasts lately, thanks to Tiff.
  
• There's not enough rock, a bit too much poorly micced (miced? mic'ed? help) talk for my taste.
  
• But when the rocking starts, it's good.
  
• And the parts of the Billy Bragg one where he goes on and fucking on about what a general all around wanker James Blunt is are somewhat indescribable.
  
• Like, I wonder if there should be some sort of context:
  
• Does Billy Bragg get compared to James Blunt a lot?
  
• Did James Blunt take the last burger out from under Billy Bragg's nose at the BBBBQ* the night before?
  
• Did Billy Bragg lose the Queen of SXSW title to James Blunt?
  
• Anyway, the 2 big things on the cover this time are hiphop's big deals and Tool's new album.
  
• Neither of which I really care about, which would be why I've been going on and on about Billy Bragg vs James Blunt.
  
• Blue Man Group will be making ads for Swatch.
  
• I hope Tobias is their understudy, still.
  
• Aw, lookit this cute picture of David Cross.
  
• While we're at it and bored with Billboard, here's a very cute picture of Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd.
  
• Tiff, what were we watching that bbq sauce-faced girl from Wet Hot American Summer was in?
  
• "Tool's new album features artwork that can be viewed through a 'stereoscopic lens.'"
  
• I'm just sayin'.
  
• Sorry, this isn't very entertaining.
  
• Hell, it's barely entertaining me.
  
• Shouldn't Amazon let you sort your search results by descending release date?
  
• So Li'l Steven says that Paul Westerberg wrote a song on Joan Jett's new album.
  
• I can't find any other news about this.
  
• Or an answer to my question, Is this a new song, or "Androgynous" like she covered when we saw her at the casino?
  
• After which, when I was jazzed about the cover and the show in general, a friend of mine called the song "filler" on Let It Be.
  
• Ass.
  
• Also, Li'l Steven is mad at Mr Jobs for "tricking" the judge into letting him win the Apple vs Apple lawsuit.
  
• He even brings George Orwell into it.
  
• Not Li'l Steven's finest hour.
  
• Hey, did you guys know that Elizabeth Peyton painted Andre 3000?
  
• and here it is
  
• PoBaL previews:
  
• I made a skirt this weekend, and there'll be an illustrated post about that at some point.
  
• There's a new Bananarama album
  
• Hunh.
  

*The xtra B is for xtra barbecue.
What's that other B for?
That's a typo.

by way of explanation...

This should clear up a few questions. You know, like when Wacky Neighbor looked at me and asked, "Do you date?"

I do so love the blockquote:

There is a skill that most of us city mice have. I call it the Urban Eye Slide. This is the ability to scope out one's surroundings quickly but without actually seeming to look at anything at all. This allows you to find the open seat on a crowded train, to move to the other side of the sidewalk well in advance of people handing out flyers or crappy free newspapers, or to sort of let your eyes skip over the spare-changing homeless guy on the corner, while pasting what you hope is a small wistful sympathetic smile on your face, and three steps past him you will have pangs of conscience about this but sometimes you are just not in the mood. There are downsides to the Urban Eye Slide as well. I have stood on El platforms right next to people I actually know and not seen them.

This is from Mimi Smartypants. I read it in The World According to Mimi Smartypants, which I couldn't really get through (sorry, Tiff), but the accuracy of this bit caught my eye.
If you're my friend and I've ever walked right damn past you, the above quote is why. Sorry.

Advice for the Recently Graduated

(If I ever am called on to give a speech at a graduation, this may just be it.)

Many recent graduates are not just leaving college; they're also leaving town. They're starting new jobs in new towns where they don't know anyone. Moving like that is scary.
I'm here to give everyone in that boat a little bit of advice:

Don't get drunk until you've met everyone in town.

One of the best ways to meet new people when you move to a new town is through community-type internet sites, like Friendster or MySpace. Do a zip code search, and then throw yourself on the mercy of a few select locals. Try not to pick the stalky ones. If you have pizza delivered and then receive an email the next day from the delivery boy, you've found one of the stalky ones.
Eventually, one of these locals (let's call them Local A) will invite you out to his going-away party, for example. You can meet other locals there.
Don't get drunk until you've met everyone in town.

If you get drunk at this event before you've met everyone in town, you will stop paying attention to the new people that you meet. These people may get offended when you "meet" them at a later date.
You may, in fact, wind up on a date with one of them a year later, set up by their xgirlfriend.
He will probably not find the whole "being set up by an x" thing nearly as funny as you do.
He may also refer to the going away party as the occasion when Local A dumped you on a friend of his. Because you didn't heed my advice, you will be too mortified by how goddam drunk you were on that one night over a year ago to bring up any of the following points:

• Two roads diverge in a wood.* One has a cute boy who is leaving for a city you hate. The other has a cute boy who is not leaving for any city, hated by you or otherwise. Who are you going to talk to?
• After a few successfully fun dates, this friend of your current date's "let's be friends"-ed you via a MySpace message.
• And is now kind of a huge joke amongst you and your friends.
• Additionally, at one's goodbye party, one normally works the crowd, saying goodbye to them.
• Is it just you, or does your date hold some kind of animosity towards Local A?
• Why are you still bothered by this several months later, anyway?

And then he won't walk you to your car, despite it being after dark and your car being down a side street.
You'll go see a movie with this guy and reach unknown levels of jackassery yourself, when you realize you'd rather talk and talk about how you like to be quiet after enjoying a movie than witness a repeat of when your xboyfriend ruined The Village for you with a ScoobyDoo crack.
And then he'll drop you off and not wait to make sure you get inside your apartment before speeding off. (Side bit of advice: creepy single-girl-who-lives-alone-attackers can wait next to poorly lit doorways. Side bit of advice 2: don't ever forget your keys on a date, just in case you're out with a drop off and drive off type.)
Two months later, you'll be out with a friend enjoying some half-price pizza. You try to back away from her and her would-be gentleman caller towards a table of your friends. Said table includes your former date. You make eye contact, smile, and begin to say hello. He picks up his beer and hides behind a pillar. This forces you to go and join your friend and her gentleman caller, who then tries to get rid of you by offering to buy you a beer if you can find out his friends' middle names, which he already knows.
And this, my friends, is why you don't get drunk until you've met everyone in town.

Also, don't ever give a mouse a cookie. I hear it starts off a bad chain of events.

*This is a graduation speech, after all. I gotta quote Frost.

I don't know my right from left or my right from wrong.

Billboard May 13

• I have a lot of U2 records for some reason.
  
• Like, someone who didn't know me well could assume they were a favorite band based on the number of U2 records I own.
  
• And I got them all at Jerry's Records.
  
• I was listening to War this morning.
  
• So, I have several non-randomly-bulleted things to say, but I'll do that tomorrow.
  
• And it'll be kinda bitchy.
  
• So you have that to look forward to.
  
• "Strip clubs expose hot hip-hop talent."
  
• urk
  
• You should see this cover art. It's pretty ridiculous/awful.
  
• /really fucking tasteless, considering what's going on in Durham with the Duke lacrosse team, if you ask me.
  
• assholes
  
• Melissa and I are trying to introduce the word "assery". As in, "Not walking me to my car at the end of the night was a prime display of assery."
  
• Also, there's yet another "news" item about musicians on TV.
  
• Illustrated in the ToC with a pic of Kim Gordon.
  
• How long ago were they on the Simpsons?
  
• In Peter Frampton's cooler?
  
• That's so one of my favorite episodes.
  
• Making teenagers depressed is like shooting fish in a barrel.
  
• My sister has been blogging about Nick Lachey, and it's terribly funny.
  
• Man, I really need to hear that Springsteen Seeger album.
  
• My dad bought it for my mom for Mother's Day; she said she'd copy it for me.
  
• There's a picture of DJ Jazzy Jeff here.
  
• Oh yeah, I was going to try and find the cover art online.
  
• Gimme a sec.
  
• Or not. Sorry.
  
• So, what do we think is going to happen with the Rick Rubin/Metallica recording?
  
• Anything interesting?
  
• Do we care?
  
• ew
  
• The stripper/hiphop art just got worse.
  
• Like, a gstring stuffed full of bills over 2 cds set up like boobies (really, the best euphemism for this situation) on a white background.
  
• Billboard's illustrator's 12yrold son, ladies and gentlemen!
  
• According to Jermaine Dupri, strip clubs are where hiphop singles break.
  
• I really don't know how I feel about this.
  
• It's weird.
  
• Aw, the town troubadour goes on tour in the season finale of the Gilmore Girls?
  
• I love the town troubadour. He's one of my favorite characters.
  
• Him and Jess.
  
• I've made it to the end of season 3, by the way.
  
• Oh, and Kirk.
  
• Kirk's movie was one of the funniest things I've ever seen
  
• EEEEE!
  
• "Moore and Gordon were watching the show with their then-11-year-old daughter Coco..."
  
• How goddam adorable is that!?
  
• summer tours...
  
• video games...
  
• Juliana Hatfield has a new group, Some Girls, and a new album on July 11.
  
• So, I got called Lisa Loeb by an xfrat boy last night.
  
• You only hear what you want to.
  
• I'm only hearing negatives, no, no, no, bad.
  
• Damn.
  
• Now I've got "Stay" stuck in my head.
  
• um, She's the one who would have taken me to my first all-ages show.
  
• It was the Violent Femmes and the Delfuegos.
  
• Before they had a record out, before they went gold.
  
• I'd like the record to show that I needed to do no research, or even pause a bit before all that Juliana Hatfield spewed out.
  
• Wow, the nebbish guy in the Yeah Yeah Yeahs got a Bad Girl Beauty Makeover.
  
• Nick Zinner's looking hot as always.
  
• Jody Watley is covering "Borderline".
  
• Sacrilege!
  
• I love that song.
  
• Feels like I'm going to lose my mind.
  
• You just keep on pushing my love over the borderline.
  
• Aw, Clive Davis brought donuts to the people waiting in the Pearl Jam midnight release line.
  
• That's pretty endearing.

Jeb's dead, baby. Jeb's dead.*

Am I too much of a nerd? Because I've been listening to the audiobook version of Maximum Ride: the Angel Experiment and I'm really distracted by some plot holes.
Pretty Spoiler Space Picture from LOC

Plot holes like:

• No one wonders how they found the Flock's secret hideaway on the side of a mountain?
  
• Max hasn't connected the CHIP in her ARM to Angel's kidnapping.
  
• Does no one wonder if the rest of them have chips?
  
• Of course they're being tracked! They're big expensive secret government experiments! I'm building human/bird hybrids secretly, I wanna know where they are.
  
• No one is going to kill a mind reader. Unless she mindread some big government secrets. (But isn't my familiarity with various Judd projects why I'm having troubles here? I keep trying to build a damn universe, and finding out that there are all these other bird/kids in other Patterson novels that aren't here isn't helping much.
  
• Um, the adult disappeared 2 years ago. How are they paying for food, internet access, and, oh, gee, I don't know--ELECTRICITY?
  
• And who taught them to read the internet, anyway?
  
• Max looks in the fridge and makes a crack about "food fairies" visiting. Then, in the next paragraph, someone's eating an egg. Where'd the egg come from?
  
• Are they raising chickens?
  
• Isn't kinda gross to eat eggs if your genetic makeup includes bird DNA?

I don't think this is just an age thing; I'm betting TeenJessy would have the same questions. Of course, she was also convinced that Krychek from The X-Files was an android.

Now why can't I just sit back and let the story unfold? I don't have this kind of problem with the XMen; I just take it for granted that nothing makes sense, people come back to life, and I have no idea who half the characters are or why their outfits are a certain color.

*Actually, I'm kind of thinking Jeb isn't dead, but the title was too good to pass up.

Hey, I was entertained.

I forgot I took this picture:


And here's Justin and the happy apple I needlefelted:

we go on after some lip-synch chicks

Billboard May 6

• Goo Goo Dolls are on the cover.
  
• One of them have a Badtz Maru dog tag.
  
• Now, far be it from me to complain about adults and cute Japanese characters, but this just seems a bit odd.
  
• Or maybe it's the "Arr, matey--where be me rum!?" look in his eye.
  
• I say "eye" because his hat is shadowing the one almost completely.
  
• Heh--Goo Goo Dolls couldn't hack the music industry anymore so they became pirates.
  
• Oh, now see--I was trying to come up with a stupid joke involving piracy and Goo Goo Doll lyrics. Like, "Pirates don't tell no one their name" or something. But that kinda sucks.
  
• And now I've got "Long Way Down" stuck in my head.
  
• I'll buy the person who comes up with a serviceable piracy/Goo Goo Dolls line a beer.
  
• Oh my god, Jewel, what are you wearing? I think your belt is supposed to be around your waist, honey, not your knees.
  
• I like when I simultaneously read Billboard and Pitchfork.
  
• It's like I can balance out into a normal music fan or something.
  
• And then I remember that I spent like 15 minutes last night trying to figure out which Belle and Sebastian single Lane would have been referring to as the new one in a second season Gilmore Girls episode, based on airdate.
  
• Luckily, "Legal Man" kicked in and things went back to normal.
  
• Well, normal for me.
  
• Speaking of...
  
• So, yeah, I've become obsessed with Gilmore Girls. It's so good!
  
• I never really got to watch it when it's on (still the case--I don't get home til 7:30 central time), but I'm zipping through the DVDs.
  
• I'm also zipping through that Knit1 rainbow tank.
  
• Except mine is going to be black and blue.
  
• And hopefully fit more flatteringly than this woman's does.
  
• What!? It comes up too high. You know it does.
  
• OK, so it's not unflattering on her. It's just too high, in my judgemental opinion.
  
• It's probably because the pattern leads you to make the front and back pieces really fucking long.
  
• I corrected that by making up xsmall size instructions and letting myself knit as tightly as my little heart desires.
  
• Jesus, they're marketing the hell out of Patterson's Maximum Ride 2: Disappointing Boogaloo.
  
• (That's not the real title. I made it up because everyone I know who mentioned reading the first one was underwhelmed.)
  
• There's some cute singer in an EXTREMELY cute green wrap dress attached in some way.
  
• There's tv, radio, and print.
  
• There's a whole damn soundtrack.
  
• It's a giveaway.
  
• So can I not buy it for the library?
  
• Can I get some to give away?
  
• Well, that was no help. Stupid website.
  
• I love when Billboard tries to make excuses.
  
• For example, like claiming no one liked Jewel's "Intuition" because it was too different from her other stuff.
  
• As opposed to the reality of it sucking.
  
• And the stupid razor commercials.
  
• Here is why the Donnas are infinitely better than the Goo Goo Dolls:
  
• Johnny Rzzzexzznick'z pullout quote: "We're living in an age where there is no such thing as overexposure."
  
• The Donnas, on the other hand, say, "We shop at Target. We like the Olympics. We love Budweiser."
  
• Dirty Pretty Things are, in fact, quite pretty.
  
• I like it when band names don't lie.
  
• 'Course, the fact that I also like greasy hipsters isn't hurting the band either.
  
• That reminds me: is anyone else as ridiculously entertained as I am by the way Zombi press releases, etc. refer to their drummer as "A.E. Paterra"?

Nothing in the crib but baby.

Billboard April 29, 2006

• There's a billboard (OMG!!! I'm so postmodern!) on my way home from work that I guess is for babysafety or something. It tells drivers-by about how babies sleep best on their backs.
  
• And at the bottom, it says, "Nothing in the crib but baby."
  
• I find this to be HILARIOUS.
  
• I want to make a shirt that says, "Nothing in the crib but baby!"
  
• Right after I doctor up a boring cheap suitcase with a deer stencil so I'll be able to find it in the New Orleans airport.
  
• Oh yeah, I'm going to ALA this year. It's in New Orleans at the end of June.
  
• I'm doing the help-rebuild volunteer day, too.
  
• Which is why I bought shorts the other day--there's no way I'm doing any kind of building anything ourside in New Orleans at the end of June in jeans.
  
• Speaking of my arbitrary rules, I'm feeling the need to give a bit of beard explanation.
  
• A bit of centralized beard explanation, so I never have to explain all this again.
  
• First of all, I do like the way they look. I've had many a bearded friend that I approved of.
  
• But here's where I'd like you to do an experiment:

1. Go thrift a fur coat. Make it a cheap one, like something only the neaveau riche and/or Li'l Kim would approve of.
   
2. Run your shower on hot for as long as you can. Build up some steam. (this experiment is good for your pores, too!)
   
3. Now, go in your bathroom and rub that coat on your face. Or, if you have a pet, you could use Fluffy.

• My other problem with dating the bearded is admittedly more a problem with a specific Beardo that I would like to never ever again face.
  
• Because, rationally, I know that most people can eat without reminding me of this old Reading Rainbow episode where they fed a red panda and he smushed banana all over his face.
  
• So, in conclusion: beards may look good, provided there isn't food all smushed in them, but they don't feel good.
  
• At least not to this girl.
  
• Hey, remember that part in Why Girls Are Weird where Pamie talks about her stinky stinky clogs?
  
• I fear my new favorite shoes are going the same route.
  
• Oh yeah, it's the Latin Special.
  
• High definition DVDs are being released, and the picture they chose to illustrate this news with is Tom Cruise riding into battle in The Last Samurai.
  
• Hey, everyone, remember going to see that movie?
  
• Yeah, that's what I thought.
  
• Sony's making Walkman-branded mp3 player/phones; T-Mobile's doing the service; and ROBBY WILLIAMS is doing a special edition.
  
• I kind of really want one.
  
• Did everyone see that bowl haircut picture of Robby Pink is the New Blog had up?
  
• Yeesh.
  
• Jazz is boring. I just don't care about it.
  
• Don't you love when I make these ridiculous pronouncements?
  
• And you know what, you guys? Racism isn't very nice.
  
• You know what else isn't very nice?
  
• Just walking up to your friendly neighborhood librarian's desk and saying, "Internet," or, "Computer."
  
• Uh oh! Rihanna, the girl that sings "SOS" (the song that samples "Tainted Love" that I never shut up about) has a ballad coming out.
  
• Nothing quite like a cheesy R&B ballad.
  
• Also, I kind of hate that the Goo Goo Dolls have a new album coming out.
  
• Anyone heard the Erasure acoustic album yet?
  
• I wanna hear "A Little Respect" unplugged.
  
• Now I've got that stupid "Bad Day" song stuck in my head.
  
• Could be worse: yesterday Becca asked me to id a song for her and it turned out to be Lita Ford's "Kiss Me Deadly".
  
• Cmon, pretty baby, kiss me deadly.

We got spaghetti. And blankets.

Pipe down, Internet, your Auntie Jessy's hung.

Little girls on a sunny Easter Sunday in their big poofy spring dresses, spinning across a grassy lawn.
Girls in their mid20s with professional jobs, twirling around a dance floor.
Same thing, really. At least when it comes to me 'n' Melissa.

Oh, and Local Library I Don't Work At? Please refrain from packaging comedy CD/DVD dealies like 2 CD audiobooks. It confused me as I was driving into work.
This would be after I yelled, "I JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE!" to Scott Simon when he started in on Opal Mehta. In the car. With the windows down.
And, yes, I know that the author's name is not Opal Mehta. I don't care. I can call her that, or I can call her Stupid Plagiarizy Harvard Girl I Don't Care About Anymore. You make the call.

I bought the Summer 06 Knit1 yesterday. I'd do a review-type-thing, but

1. I forgot it;
   
2. isn't that what we pay the lovelies at You Knit What?? for?
   
3. Plus, my upcoming Craftster swap is like a secret santa type deal, and I don't want to run the risk of spoiling the surprise.

I also went to the comic store.
Now, Free Comic Book Day comes every year. This is my second year getting comics from this particular shop for it, and I know that they were our supplier before I came on the scene. I gave them a month's notice. I discussed it with comicstore employees in person and sent an email.
So why, when I stop by the store yesterday, was there not a box of free comic goodness ready for the library?
To complicate matters further, I had personal stuff to pick up, too.
(flashback)
Because I'm an exceptionally nice person, when Tiff came to visit the last time and we went to the comicstore (actually, when I spoke to the people about free comic goodness), I let her buy the only copy of Strangetown #1. Of course, I read it before she did, but that's not the point.
So I arrange to have a copy ordered for me, and a copy of each subsequent Strangetown held. I discussed this with the employee, and mentioned it in the email.
Then, when I sent the email, I remembered the Belle and Sebastian anthology and asked for that, too.
So, theoretically, I run into the comic store. I look around real quick, I pick up my stuff, I head to Panera for a tasty snack*.
NO. I've mentioned the putting freecomicgoodness box together already. Strangetown #1 is under my last name. Belle and Sebastian, after an "I need this book; it's blue"-esque conversation, turns up in the hold drawer, not under my name. With no name actually on it.
Apparently, the owner is the only person who deals with emails. And he wasn't there.
I miss you, Phantom of the Attic. You too, Atomic City Comics. But I suspect I miss your proximity to pizza more than you yourself.
And now everyone knows why the comics I bought 2002-03 have greasy marks on them.
And I still don't see what's so great about She-Hulk, despite what Wacky Neighbor Billy might say.

Man, I hate when hungover-icky merges with period-icky, on a work weekend.

*iced chai latte and an everything bagel with veggie cream cheese--YUM. And even better combined with free Scott Pilgrim goodness.

She’s got an Out Tray full of guys.

I'm taking applications for this summer's crush object.
Ideally, applicants will be:

• straight males
  
• who live somewhat close to me
  
• and aren't miserable bastards.

Previous crush objects may apply, but preference will be given to new applicants.

There is a dress code. (No Beards, No Shorts, No Coldplay.)

Submit applications electronically or in person.

Management reserves the right to mock mercilessly any and all applicants.