Have you seen Elizabethtown yet? I just saw it, um, and I wanted to talk to you about it. Uh, you probably didn't expect me to call; you can call back if you want, but it's OK if you don't. I just wanted to know what you thought of the movie. My number's changed: it's 8--no, it's 555-867-5309. Um, I'll be around tomorrow night.
Why? Why, why, WHY did I do this!?
Fucking Cameron Crowe. Like Campbell Scott in Singles and Lloyd Dobler aren't enough, now you and your weird movie have me calling my xboyfriend, in a weekend where I was feeling strange and aloof and sort of homesick anyway.
The last time I saw Andy was almost exactly a year ago, and a strange conversation indeed. There have been tiny, short emails since then.
Don't get me wrong. We didn't have the World's Worst Conversation or anything, or even a particularly awkward one, I don't think. Except, you know, I no longer have the strong lovey-dovey feelings, but the same irritants and the same reactions are still around. There were times when I really regretted my call, especially since he hadn't even seen the damn movie. And closure a year later may be nice for some, but sometimes if you open things up to close them again, you wonder why you needed to in the first place.
***
And now, a little something about condoms.
Did you know that they still bother making them without spermicide? I didn't. So I guess I need to buy another box, unless someone would like to do some trading. I really don't want to shell out more $$, plus, I hate the thought of wasting a whole box. 'Cause I like that XTra No Baby Sorta-Guarantee.
This morning, I was scrutinizing the box (because, yeah, on the bottom, they're going to be like, Ha ha! We're the right ones, after all. Because I've bought Nelson condoms), I noticed that they have a satisfaction guarantee. And I think, Hey! I'm unsatisfied!
But does being stupid and not reading the box b/c you've already spotted one patron and don't want to press your luck really count as a lack of satisfaction, or is it just stupidity?
Please use the comments field to come up with other ways in which one could be unsatisfied with a box of condoms, so I can get a refund and not waste a box. The best one gets a completely uncondom-related prize. Maybe a hat.
7 comments:
Dear Condom Making Company:
Your condoms weren't big enough. I'm unsatisfied. Please send a refund right away.
-Proud J
Dear Condom Making Company:
Turns out I'm already pregnant. I'm unsatisfied. Please send a refund right away.
-Couldn't wait J
Dear Condom Making Company:
My boyfriend just dumped me, so I don't need these after all. Please send a refund right away.
-Undersexed J
Dear Condom Making Company:
You're condoms suck. We used TWO to be EXTRA safe, and they BOTH BROKE!
-Moronic J.
no ideas for the refund, but i'm almost positive you can spermicidal lube separately...
Yeah, but that's a whole extra step.
maybe you could tell boy to stop on his way over and pick some up..."btw, could you pick up some milk and some no-baby-protection? thanks."
Milk?
Cmon now, I'm not with Andy anymore, remember?
They don't put spermicide on all condoms because a) people are allergic to spermicide ( they usually think it's latex. it's not.) and b) the condoms with spermicide don't have the same shelf life as the ones without.
Plus some people who constantly use spermicide get a lot of yeast infections
Spermicidally lubricated condoms give me yeast infections. heh.
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