What I'm all riled up about, after running to CVS on my break (in addition to just realizing I forgot one of the things I went for, which would have upped my bill to enough to use my other coupson): finding a goddam Father's Day card. Like it's not hard enough finding a gift for my dad, I also have to do this every stinking year (at least, the ones when I'm not feeling collage-y). And every year it gets worse, because I refuse to repeat a card, even though I'm sure my dad wouldn't remember.
See, here's the thing: neither (niether? damn ie) of us are stereotypical, normal, traditional. Whatever you want to call it, we aren't. Hallmark, etc. have pretty clearly marked out what they think the typical father-daughter relationship is, and it isn't us.
The Hallmark dad likes watching sports all the time (mine will occasionally watch a Steelers or Pirates game, if it's a particularly important one--invariably, this leads to swearing as, let's face it, us yinzers don't have nonsucky teams. It's a thing we do.). He watches a lot of other TV (mine does that annoying intellectual "TV is crap" thing, while still watching said crap--annoying, but not really the basis of a good card). He golfs. He grills, and, while my dad does cook, I've never seen a card poking fun at a science dad's turkey-trussing methods. And, is it just me, or is Hallmark dad kind of a noninvolved asshole?
Some of the cards do make learning to drive jokes, and that used to be relevant, but I think referencing something that happened almost 10 years ago is a bit ridiculous, like we haven't done anything together since. We have, it's just that there's also no Father's Day card that says, "Thanks for going to see pretentious postmodern contemporary art installations with me when I know you prefer impressionism,"* or "Hey, did you see that thing on the New York Times website about those tiny chicken-looking dinosaurs they found in China?"
Hallmark daughter is a spoiled daddy's girl brat. She's still dependent on her father, and has him wrapped around her finger. Leaving aside how insulting I find the idea of a girl in her mid20s still calling her father "Daddy", I'm just not that girl. Will I ever open up a potential Father's Day card that says, "Thanks for picking out a drill for me, so I can put up shelves to display my collection of other people's prom glasses"?
Last year, I finally went with a card with a picture of a '77 punk guy on the front that made some crack about opening the door to your daughter's date to find said punk guy. I wrote, "He's a Republican," and left it at that.
With time running out on my break, I finally found a thank-you card with a picture of a donkey on it. My dad likes donkeys; he thinks they're cute. I crossed out the message with a big, ball-point X and wished him a happy Father's Day underneath.
[This doesn't seem too Sarah Vowell, does it? I'm listening to The Partly Cloudy Patriot, and I sometimes pick up author or narrator voices of things I like.]
*Should impressionism be capitalized?
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2 comments:
my dad's harder to buy for than your dad...haha...
anyway, we've (me, mom and bri) have decided to buy him a motorcycle jack...did i know that this existed before my mom informed me that he wanted one? no. i did not. i just kinda thought you tipped a motorcyle like a cow, if you needed to work on the underside for some reason...oops.
t.
I thought I was the only one who wants to start a write-in campaign to the card companies at this time of year, lobbying for applicable Father's Day cards.
Not only is "Daddy" noninvolved, but he also has ZERO sense of humor. My dad and I are pretty sarcastic with each other and could use some bite and irony from the cards.
My grandpa also has a pretty good sense of humor, and the "Grandfather" cards are even worse than the "Daddy" cards.
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