"Get a pint of Guinness down your neck, and pick that guitar up."--Noel Gallagher, my new best friend

Billboard, August 27, 2005

• Diddy is possibly the worst name ever. Worse, even, than Apple. And I know all sorts of jokes have already been made about this (I’m sure), but…come on. Please.
  
• This topless Mariah picture is too close to the beginning of the magazine. I need a few pages before I can get real mean about her.
  
• That being said, she does look smaller in this one.
  
• How come in photographs, wet girls always have perfect makeup? What kinda makeup are these girls wearing? Paging Sally J Freedman, Sally J Freedman to the blog, please.
  
• That’s my favorite Judy Blume book. Also her most autobiographical, she’s said.
  
• Although when I first looked at this picture, I totally missed the arm shadow and thought this was a Mariah’s huge tits with water splashing off the nipples picture.
  
• But, you know, a picture of Bush is too controversial for the VMAs
  
• Which I used to really like watching
  
• Green Day just look plastic and melty in their rainy makeup. Except the bassist looks kinda hot, which I’ve never thought before.
  
• ooo, more Oasis
  
• Garth Brooks’ entire catalog will now only be available at Sam’s Club and Wal-Mart
  
• I’m happy about never having to look at another Garth Brooks records when I’m shopping for music, if I did that anymore.
  
• What about the used stuff, though? It’s funny how no one talks about used cds destroying the music business (remember that argument?) now that the internet is on computers.
  
• Maude, eh?
  
• Ryan Seacrest has his own clothing line now.
  
• Insert your own homosexuality-related joke here.
  
• And then, if you would like to turn left and go into the dragon’s lair, turn to page 16.
  
• ”We think globally, but we never forget Canada,” says Jeffrey Remedios of Arts & Crafts. Hee—Canada
• Liz Phair’s shoes don’t match her dress on page 19. Will someone just get this girl to quit, please? Or give her so much plastic surgery and a costume so she no longer looks like my Liz? ‘Cause you’re breaking my heart here, girl.
• page 16: The dragon thanked you for delivering a tasty snack. THE END
• Aw, Beck
• Beck AND Belle & Sebastian!? AND THE LEMONHEADS! All this thing needs is for Jonathan Rhys Meyers to do
  
• This year's theme for the VMAs is water, everybody. I know I'm excited.
  
• Actually, that's kinda not a joke. Anybody with cable want to mockingly watch?
  
• "Blur were a fucking mess." I wish all bands were as blunt as Oasis. And so willing to hold a grudge.
  
• It keeps me entertained, and that's what really counts in this crazy world of ours, right? Right?
  
• This is just an all around great interview. It starts on page 33, and everyone should read it.
  
• "Added to that, me and Liam were eminently quotable the whole time."
  
• Oh, I'm only like halfway through, but I'm bored. Here endeth the endless Billboard recap that no one cares about anyway. But seriously, you should read that Oasis interview. Gold, people. Gold.

Keep on dancing to the rock and roll.

Couldn't have said it better myself
And yes, I realize that's the pussy way out. Shut up.
I would like to add something about Adam Groves' drunken attempts to get me to apply for some children's librarian position at the library he works at--or something. The last time I got told about a job, it totally didn't involve hand groping.
***
Also, I should tell everyone to go here.

I've been looking so long at these pictures of you.

Debauchery! Craftiness! KITTIES!
All here, all the time. Or at least until someone complains about how poorly I photographed them, and then we'll talk.

And now I have to share the lengths I'll go to for a surprise. This morning, me an' a cup of coffee were hanging out in my room, listening to NPR, thinking about how dead all the Gaza protesters would be if they were from that other group of people the Israeli army's always after, when I hear some familiar music.
The "Six Feet Under" theme.
Faster than fast, at 7 AM, I run into my living room, singing, la la la I can't hear you Terri Gross so you can't ruin it for me.
And it worked.
(I don't have HBO, so I've only seen up to the end of season 3)

that's when I reach for my chihuahua

Here's yet another article about how YA authors, publishers, and presumably librarians are ruining teenaged girls' lives.
Here's the author's email address: janet.shamlian@nbcuni.com

And now, for the fun part. In honor of the recent rash of hysterical "news" puff pieces (during a fucking war, no less) about trashy teen fic, I bring you a List Of Things I've Never Done, Despite Their Occurences In TeenJessy's Favorite Books. As a fun game, try to figure out what the books are!

1. gotten kicked out of multiple boarding schools
2. hired a prostitute, then just want to talk
3. had sex with a prominent scenester quite a bit older than me
4. taken ecstasy than had sex with my bicurious best friend
5. shut myself up in a wardrobe
6. had sex with a vampire, then follow him all the way to New Orleans, causing my xboyfriend and his best friend to follow us, in an attempt to abort the vampire fetus
7. been a gay male HIV positive serial killer/cannibal
8. steal from my parents' Native American friend to make gifts for my bandmates so that they could play their instruments without fear on stage
9. take on an army that has successfully invaded Australia
10. think my missing memories, actually caused by sexual abuse, were created by alien abduction OR misread my childhood sexual abuse as love and become a trashy hustler (anyone seen Mysterious Skin yet? I'm dying to know how the movie adaptation is!)
11. moved to NYC to follow my modeling career dream, only to be taken in by a pimp at the bus station
12. become a vampire
13. begun a romantic relationship with my brother, the only boy I've seen since puberty, since our mother locked us in the attic
14. followed my dreams of an elderly black woman to the midwest, after everyone else I knew died of some weird flu thing
15. tried to catch some bananafish
16. rode the rails around the country, doing migrant farm labor and collecting folk songs and women

I think we all get the idea.
Actually, the hardest part of this was remembering, past the basics, what some of my faves were.

by "popular" demand...

I told this story a couple times this weekend, but it paints me in such a sad light, Melissa decided it needed to go on the internet.
This takes place in Pittsburgh, early spring 2002. If you wonder why you haven't heard it before, well, it's a small, kinda humiliating tale. I think I needed the time lapse.
BACKGROUND!
There are many people aware of my zombie dating policy. (Basically, if you have such an interest in zombies that you would base a large portion of your life's work on them, I've come to the realization that I wouldn't have much luck with the nakedness with you.) What you might not know is that this is not a policy based on one boy. Oh no: it's based on 2, for I'm nothing if not scientific.
Zombie Policy #1 (ZP#1, for short) is a friend, and was a classmate and coworker. He also stands as the only time the "My friend used to have a crush on you" conversation was actually followed by actual making out, so you know, that's nice.
As a quick timeline, the class we had together was Fall 1998, the conversation was August 2000 (that's when you turned 21, right, Tiff?), coworking was March 2001-August 2002, making out was summer 2002.
It took way too long for me to remember years there.
THE ACTUAL STORY!
ZP#1's band was playing at Mr Roboto, and AliciaPage, some friends of hers, and I decide to go. I think we all know why I was planning to go, and if you're thinking, "investing in the 401K," you'd be correct, and thank you for making my made-up slang part of your life.
But sometimes, even the coolest of girlies gets flustered, and does things any sane person would shake their head at. Because when I came into contact with ZP#1 that night, and asked how his day had been, and he responded with a story involving car theft, I did the following.
I said AWESOME (or SWEET--I don't remember which) and, I believe, also gave my version of the thumbs up, some good ol' devil horns.
There was no band playing, or bus passing, or any other thing that might have impaired my hearing, which means that, yes, someone told me their car had been broken into, and I congratulated them.
Also funny, but less embarrassing for me, was the day ZP#1 collected all the barrettes and paper clips (I've been known to hold pieces of hair in place with office supplies) I had embedded in his couch, and pulled them out of his pocket to hand back to me at work. A handful of hair things accompanied by "Um, here's your stuff" is pure comedic gold, at least in my world.
Next time on Jessy's Smile Time Humiliation Hour: My bed breaks! Sort of! During...you know.
(Melissa made the comment the other day that sometimes, it can be hard to remember the actual names of actual boys in my life, as I enjoy making up nicknames for them so very much. Sorry if this confuses anyone else, but I like to think it's like a fun guessing game.)

the angels wanna wear my red shoes

I just need to reglue 'em first.
Billboard, August 13, 2005

• OK, there's NARM, the National Association of Recording Merchandisers and there's NARM the Television Without Pity joke. Can someone tell me the joke without spoiling Six Feet Under past the third season? Because I'm afraid to read the site to find out, in case it gives shit away.
• The teaser line, "DVD Growing Up," is accompanied by a picture of something Motley Crue related. No comment.
• I would like to comment, however, on that Tommy Lee college reality show. The fuck!? Can't they just bring "Undeclared" back instead?
• I forget, are show titles italicized or in quotes?
• Who cares, anyway? This is the internet and a blog, right, Michael Gorman?
• OK, that was mean and outdated.
• And he has a good message, you guys.
• Robbie, Robbie Williams, is so awesome!
• That's my new song.
• He's got some deal with TMobile, and he's wearing a cravat with a tshirt and a belt with tiny metal studs all over it.
• And now I'm staring at a picture of Robbie Williams crotch, while at work.
• I heart my job!
• Fannypack's in a Kmart ad!? I love Fannypack!
• Now they have a good message, all nonfunny joking aside.
• Is your crotch hungry, girl, 'cause it's eating your pants.
• And I imagine this a message that Kmart shoppers in particular might have missed.
• What videos did Mark Romanek direct again? "Jeremy"?
• Most sensible thing I've read in this rag in a long while (about radio payola and indie label radio play): "If the majors can spend millions to bribe radio, then they're clearly not hurting and people won't feel bad about downloading for free."--Sub Pop A&R guy, Tony Kiewel.
• Also, how many of us would download as much stuff for free, just to hear new stuff we have a chance of liking, if the radio actually played new shit we wanted to hear?
• B/c I love when radio is good. I love the surprise of hearing a great song, of discovering a new great song, unexpectedly. And that doesn't happen if you, like me, are a rock snob and live in a town without a decent college radio station.
• Or "This American Life".
• Funk you, local NPR affiliate.
• Yeah, I wanted to say fuck, but liked my typo too much to correct.
• I think Todd Martens "office" is in a Newbury Comics, b/c a good 80% of his articles contain quotes from Newberry employees. I'm surprised Tiff hasn't been quoted yet.
• In fact, missy, that is your new goal--get quoted in Billboard magazine.
• Not, you know, finding a librarian job (who wants to scream at the ALA's recruitment-without-job-placement obsession with us?) or making Jenn normal or anything.
• Oh Oh Oh! Rhino Records story! If there's anything that equals Jessy love quite like Rhino Records, I'd like to buy it a drink.
• Although, frankly, I'm so much of a mooch that anything that would inspire that kind of love would be buying me a drink.
• Thanks, Grandma Eva!
• This interview with Brett Wickard, who founded some Maine music store chain, is amazing. I'm going to find a link, so everyone out in Internetville can read it, too. Damn, you have to have a log-in to read the whole thing. Get off your ass and go to the library to read it, people. It's on page 18.
• Here's the link to a step before the article (it's the last item), if you want to try your luck.
• The iTunes chief music operator used to work A&R for Rhino, for 25 years.
• Fun fact.
• New Big Star record?
• Rick Rubin + Neil Diamond = ???
• There aren't words to describe this album art.
• Except that, if you threw a naked lady in there, I'd swear I argued with this guy about the price of color copies in Philadelphia a couple years ago, while he stared at my "name tag".
• By "name tag", I mean boobs.
• And, yes, I had to spell that out, because there's a decided lack of Mariah to this issue, and I need to use at least one euphemism for breasts in every one of these posts.
• The 3 words you never thought you'd read: "Stryper Rocks Again"
• seriously
• hold me
• I'm frightened
• Hootie...
• Mmmm, I smell toner. I love the smell of toner, don't you?
• It's good to see that Juliana Hatfield hasn't let being an angel/ghost of a homeless girl stop her from making records.
• We had one of those fights, where it feels like the fight is having you.
• And we all forget about the teenager who is alive and actually being abused, because he is "bisexual" and not white.
• At least until his English sub (who also is the only adult sensitive enough to notice the pretty, illiterate boy) and his man take him in.

an important BSC update

And, yes, I fully realize I should save these things up and try to contain myself to one post a day.
VITAL INFORMATION
There's another Billboard in my mailbox, so yunz have that to look forward to.

and then I found $5

That's how I got pinkeye, sort of.
Seriously, that guy's stuff is great and adorable. And he's on Craftster in a Grumpy Bear costume.
The link's correct this time.

but if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need

My parents used to sing "You Can't Always Get What You Want" to us when we became whiny and demanding little children.
Anyway, this is the Billboard recap for Aug 6, 2005.

• The Rolling Stones are so old, the world has run out of elderly Rolling Stones jokes. And don't get me wrong--I don't think there's some age limit on Rock, but I just think it's a little weird that they haven't really changed or grown much, musically in all that time. They seem to be doing the same sorts of songs, just with less energy. Plus, they've all gotten really ugly.
• Has anyone heard America's first Hip Hop Radio Soap Opera, "What's Poppin"? I expect a full report.
• "Chillious, like a modern day Picasso paints portraits in your mind with his microphone."--I'd love to know how much $$ was spent on this full page ad, and if there really isn't a better, more underground and perhaps more full of street cred, way for this guy to get his music out. Also, I'm annoyed by the lack of a second comma in that quote.
• Hey, I'm painting portraits in your mind like Picasso, too!
• mommy mommy mommy screech! Yeah, that video you're checking out is really more important than your whiny kid. Maybe you should sing some Rolling Stones to it.
• All joking and bitchiness aside, I'm really interested to see where this schools-partnering-with-Napster-etc-like-they-do-with-other-databases thing goes. Anybody know anyone who goes to a school that offers music downloading discounts? It's a cool idea.
• MuchMusic is owned by a company called "CHUM", which makes me think of the RV place on the Simpsons (or was is the pool place?): "Where the buyer is our chum!"
• Good ol' Avril. What's she been up to these days, anyway? There's something so utterly Canadian aboot that girl, eh?
• John Peel in the UK Music Hall of Fame. YAY.
• Faith Hill is wearing a reeeeeeeeeeeally ugly green flowy black sequiny shirt on page 14. Tucked into jeans.
• Gavin Rossdale's new band is called Institute.
• Did you know he's also playing Gerard Malanga in that xMme Law Sedgewick biopic?
• Travesty!
• Agh! Scary fairy Barbie! Huge!
• Here's where I make my first Mariah's boobies joke of the issue.
• On page 22, Alicia Keys is wearing a dress that looks like Li'l Kim rejected it for being too ugly.
• You don't mix animals in the same dress, Alicia, sweetie darling.
• Jamiroquai are still around?
• Remember when Jamie Oliver had that episode of the Naked Chef where he was all excited to cook for his favorite band?
• And it was Jamiroquai?
• And we all died a little inside?
• Well, I did, at least. I don't know about you other people.
• Is it so hard to find a cooking boy with decent musical taste!?
• preferably a cute accent, too
• Setzer's new album is a tribute to Sun Records. That could be really great, or it could suck like, um...something sucky.
• new Backstreet single? WTF?
• OK, so I had last Friday off and for some reason was up ass-early anyway (I think that reason might be called little kitty noses on my face and little kitty claws in my feet) and was watching a little Good Morning America--that's the NBC one, right?--and Faith Hill was on, presumably promoting her new album.
• But she did that "Breathe" song from years ago.
• Does this make sense to anyone? You lead with the new stuff, I always thought. Unless the new stuff is really lame, in which case you should just give up and go home.
• You hear that, Rivers?
• "while the seductive "Rockhouse" offers an invitation to ecstasy as pure as a haiku"
• Just a warning, I'm going to be describing things as "pure as a haiku" now.
• b/c I like to run a joke into the ground
• and then I found $5/got pinkeye/fell down a hill and made out with Chuck
• Hootie are signed to Vanguard now. Good to know.
• Who else is on Vanguard? I feel like it's someone I like, or used to like, or something.
• There was a Styx/Peter Frampton tour in 2004!? Where was I, and why wasn't I informed?
• Chris Columbus directed Rent? hmmmmmmm
• end of magazine
• Thank you and goodnight.

It's like a father/son picnic over here.

My director and I are wearing the same shirt today. Mine, from the boys' section of Old Navy, has a larger pattern than his, and mine is untucked, the sleeves are rolled up, and I'm wearing no tie, but still: a bit odd.
Am I going to have to call Marissa the next time I want to wear this shirt? "Hey, peek into the office and see what shirt he's wearing, please!"

That is all.

taking the lazy way out, and putting my business all over the damn internet

The bulk of the message sent to the boy, now the xboy:

OK, I know it's totally lame (and somewhat hypocritical of me) to say all this in a MySpace message, but:
a) I don't want to leave this on a voice mail message
b) I tend to articulate myself better in print, and say things I can't say out loud, b/c I'm a total secret wuss
c) I'm hoping that, even though a lot of this is repetition, it will come through and get through to you better this way.
So sorry, but there's reasons.
OK, I think I need to say it again: I don't want a big serious important relationship. Here's what I do want: someone to hang out with a couple times a week, hook up with, and generally goof around with. And I think we had that down pretty well, before you got all weird. And I totally hate being all, You said it first!, but you did: you're the one who brought up the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing, and I went along b/c it seemed like the titles meant more to you than to me.
And, see, I don't want to be in a place above any of your other friend, but I don't want to be below, either. If you had plans with friend A and friend B called, what would you do? That's really all I expect. Because that's what I expect from ALL of my friends, whether I'm making out with them or not.
I have a tendency to write people off when I get annoyed with them, and I'm really trying to not do that with you. And, again, I'm totally sorry about the MySpace message thing. But don't feel too bad about your voice mail bit: that's how you needed to get everything out. And, honestly, I kind of expected it. But see, that's a problem, too: that I've come to just assume you'll flake out.
So here's what I propose: we both take a few weeks, settle down, act all single again (whatever that may mean for either of us), you process all this, and then let me know what you come up with, using whatever method you feel comfy with. Because I do like you Boy, and I like hanging out with you. I just don't like being left hanging, and try not to put up with it in anybody.
But first, I think you should quickly send me a message back, just so I know you got this and read it. Also, send it to my email, so we're no longer doing the stupid MySpace thing.
Just as a head's-up, I am switching my thing back to single (another thing I did in the first place b/c it seemed to mean more to you), and I can't guarantee I'm not going to date other people--of course, I don't date a hell of a lot, so that really doesn't mean much about activity, more about intention, you know?

There's a lot more I could say here, but I don't want to say it to the internet before I say it to him, because I'm trying to retain some semblance of privacy and propriety here. For once.
***
On a completely different track of my brain, and Cara, I totally hold you partially responsible for this, everytime I hear a news item about the Supreme Court, particularly when Chief Justice Earl Warren is mentioned, this conversation immediately, immediately, IMMEDIATELY goes through my head:
"Why can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?"
"Earl Warren was never a stripper!"
"Oh, now who's being naive?"

Never let it be said that I'm not random.
Also, I'll be out dancing tonight, if anybody would like to witness me throwing myself at anybody (or perhaps be thrown at themselves, but I make no promises). Get there relatively early, b/c I had to be up ass-early this morning and then sit in stupid 10K traffic, so I don't know how long I'll last.