maybe she's in the Bahamas underneath the tropical sun

The would-be-fetus-lining is making this Billboard, for September 10, 2005, extra cranky.

• As a companion piece to my VMA ranting, might I direct your attention to Pamie, Stee, and Dan’s recap of the event? They’re much funnier than I could ever be, especially since we didn’t even watch the VMAs, instead going to Old Chicago for accidental ham.
  
• After spending all afternoon eating hummus and deviled eggs.
  
• ”Katrina’s devestation hits home for music biz.”
  
• Why? Because the people no one thought to help out are the same people that mainstream rap has spent the last few years convincing that the most important thing in the world is to look rich? No one’s gonna buy your clothes if they have no house, Diddy.
  
• Although, knowing this magazine, it’s probably that Napster is HQed in New Orleans or something.
  
• I’m sorry, I just don’t care that the music biz has been hit by this, in the same way that I don’t care whether or not McDonalds has taken a hit. It’s the people they’re constantly trying to sell their shitty merchandise to that are hardest hit, and that will continue to be hardest hit.
  
• Look, I haven’t even opened the damn magazine, and I’m already pissed. Can’t we go back to last week, when I just mocked Paul McCartney? Or am I supposed to be worried by the Paris hotel fires hitting home for him, or something?
  
• Oh, Elton John’s on the cover, with his songwriter guy. What’s his name, again?
  
• I’m actually pretty blasé about Elton John. It’s all one big MEH.
  
• OK, Kelly? Kelly Clarkson? Your dress is really pretty, that you wore to the VMAs, but, sweetie, do you not own a 3way mirror?
  
• Because your ass looks HUGE in it.
  
• Or does Kelly Clarkson just have old world bootie (I love you, Cara), and she’s the newest girl we’re all supposed to act like means that no tween and/or teen girls have body worries, b/c here’s one pop star who’s a bit curvy?
  
• I’m so out of touch.
  
• I could go on and on about the Katrina-ness, but I’m just going to say that, to me, it seems a bit callous to print things like, “Katrina disrupts all sectors of entertainment,” when its disrupted all sectors of everything.
  
• MySpace is launching a music label? See, Jackie, I was always like, no, MySpace is weird and corporate, but then you got me hooked and now I check all the time and my stupid clothing blog and I’M NOT MOVING TO A NEW NERDY CONNECTION WEBSITE.
  
• Because this is, after all, the Year I Don’t Move.
  
• or Pack.
  
• Kinda scary, and anyone want some corrugated cardboard/know of any good crafty things to do with it?
  
• iPod phone, eh?
  
• scratch, eh?
  
• It’s so easy to start doing that, and so hard to stop.
  
• Stupid sexy Flanders.
  
• Aw, Folkways is using Dylan’s book to advertise its back catalog. I heart cross-material advisory. Every so often you run across someone who’s made the mixtape Charlie talks about in Perks Of Being a Wallflower, and as soon as I get the capabilities, I want to make soundtracks for books like Brave New Girl, Fat Kid Rules the World, and…well, I was trying to think of a non-YA book, but let’s be honest here: how many of those do I actually read?
  
• I am listening to Citizen Girl, though, and it is really great. I keep laughing out loud in the car.
  
• I’m not crazy, fellow commuters. Really. I swear.
  
• Ten years of Ozzfest? Really? Wow.
  
• Some Christian band…Les Paul…reggaeton…meh.
  
• Well, not Les Paul. He’s cool. I just don’t feel like reading about him today.
  
• See the opening note about uterine lining.
  
• What the hell’s that stuff called again? Something with “endo”? I forget.
  
• ”Inte…integral…no…”
  
• Integrious!
  
• Man, that’s digging out some old injokes. Like I don’t have enough unfunny jokes in my recent past, I gotta go back to 2000 and shit.
  
• Was that 2000? When the hell did Brian leave Pittsburgh!?
  
• Oh, the arms are flapping! I’m excited! Bauhaus tour!
  
• Aw, I love when Li’l Goth Jessy makes an appearance. Hee.
  
• A Trip Down Memory Lane: My first bonding experience with Cara (when she stopped being The New ILL Girl and became My Friend Cara) was when she mentioned that she had made her boy drive from Fredonia to Pgh and then to NYC so she could see Bauhaus.
  
• I believe I called her a bitch, actually.
  
• ”New round of acts with teen appeal play their own instruments, write their own songs.”
  
• Being a Billboard writer must be so easy, since it clearly involves taking old articles and replacing Lennon or LeBon with the Click Five or Hanson.
  
• Yup, they just mentioned Hanson in this one. Very cutting edge of you, magazine.
  
• Didn’t one of them get married?
  
• 6 questions with Gavin Rossdale
  
• Man, is there a new t.a.T.u. single? I loved them! They were so blatant, and so calculated, and yet catchy as all get-out.
  
• I love videos that are like checklists:
  
• girl on girl: check
  
• school girl uniforms: check
  
• girls in the rain: check
  
• OK, we got us a video!
  
• Now if only pretty boys making out would be as universally recognized and sought after. Video directors could work from that list me ‘n’ Tiff made around the same time as the integrious joke.
  
• and the Ghostwriter drinking game
  
• and Richard’s stupid glam mullet
  
• My mother sent me an email today that included the idea that we should set Madonna on fire, somehow related to her picture book enterprises.
  
• See, once you meet my parents, I think I make a lot more sense.
  
• Anyone want to weigh in on that topic?