Anybody got a flashlight I can hold under my chin?

In the Year 2000: My So-Called Life Edition
(also includes some Jessy-looking-back-ness and a bit of Krakow-bitching)

OK, this show always seemed to flirt with being a suburb of Pittsburgh, so I may make some Southwestern PA-specific references. My geographic proof: Brian's got a 3 Rivers Arts Festival poster, there's a shot (I think when they go see Buffalo Springfield) of a PATransit bus stop sign (if I was really good, I could tell you what busses--buses?--were on it and figure out where the show took place from that), and the Chases have the Carnegie Museum Romare Beardon poster on the wall. I know, because my parents have the same poster. But are we really to believe the Chase parents would attend a museum show of a working class African-American artist? I'm not buying it...
On with the show!
Angela: Still dyes her hair red. Has her master's in teaching (congrats, Lara!!). Teaches remedial high school English classes. Every one expects her to burn out, but she's still going. Last month, she had a very that-scene-in-Fargo-where-Marge-looks-up-her-old-"friend" dinner with Brian Krakow. Except he didn't cry or lie about dead wives. Or lie when he cries.
Brian Krakow has a wife, who he would totally leave for Angela, if she just said the word. He's a professor in the History and Philosophy of Science Department at Pitt. They've adopted a couple kids, who walk all over him. One of them is a student of Angela's, which is how he says he found her, but really he's been Googling her regularly since graduation.
[A Brian Krakow aside: do boys really think that the answer to attaining the seemingly unattainable girl is to spend as much time following her around, being an assface? 'Cause it really isn't. If you can't be nice to a girl you like who doesn't like you, or has no clue you like her, perhaps you should avoid her, or simply tell her the truth, instead of pissing her off. Just a thought.]
Rayanne = rehab. Then she moves in with Rickie, until he kicks her and her deadbeat boyfriend out. She discovers a talent for fancy restaurant waitressing, spent some time at the Lamont, and now works at Angela's dad's restaurant. The deadbeat boyfriend is no longer a boyfriend, but still on her couch.
Jordan Catalano got caught stealing a car with his older brother. Luckily, his lawyer took pity on him and took him to live with his family in Upper St Clair, where he met a girl named Anna, who taught him to read using comic books and a plastic horse. And I would now what he had been up to very recently, except our stupid president had to interrupt to force his idiotic and extremely selfish plans for Social Security on the country.
Rickie: This is hard! Rickie has a string of older, richer, kinda pushy boyfriends until he finally wises up and leaves the Pegasus alone. This is also when he decides to move off of the Mexican War Streets, and onto the Southside, despite a somewhat sordid history with a clerk at that Carnegie Library branch. One night, he goes to Zythos for 1/2 priced martinis and a blind date (set up by his foster dads, who are still doing the same things they were in the show), which goes tremendously well. Rickie works for Highmark, and is always nice to the temp. Most days, he eats lunch with a girl who likes to pretend 60s-era Pete Townsend is going to marry her.
Angela's former best friend whose name I can't remember: see Kristy. Except with whats-his-face, who she was having sex with. You remember that whole thing, right? Aside from Angela's mom, she's the main person looking for signs of burnt-out-Angela.
Angela's dad left Angela's mom, and for a much better lady. He's patched his relationship with Angela, but Danielle is another story. He finally got that damn restaurant off the ground.
Angela's mom got over Angela's dad surprising quickly, by moving on to an even more ready-to-be-whipped jerk. Angela can't stand him, but Danielle likes all the extra attention and presents. Angela's mom also is even more work-crazed and horrible. For awhile, she tried to lie to new friends and business contacts about the number of marriages she's had. She's also had every photo from Angela's teen years retouched, to "correct" the hair color.
Tino is still doing the exact same thing. Like McConoughy in Dazed and Confused, he gets older but they stay the same age.
Danielle works for the stupid printing business. She always talks about finding a new job, because her mom is always over her shoulder, never trusts her with any responsibility, etc etc, but still needs her mommy. Here's hoping she actually grows a pair sometime soon. Angela just wishes she'd stop calling all the time.

Well? Thoughts?

a list of things, in no particular order

1. My male Evansville peers seem to have a problem with pants fitting. Hey, I like to see some denim-covered ass, OK? Let's all try and go down a size, please.
2. If the kid acts like they know what they're doing for a school assignment, then the grandmother should let them do their thing, and not bother the librarian until the person with the actual assignment acknowledges needing said librarian's help.
3. Ooo, period cranky. Fun.
4. And here comes period sleepy! Good thing I've got those My So-Called Life episodes to watch. Rickie all grown up, here I come!
5. Simon mall gift certificates lose $2.50 every month after their first 7 months. You may be saying, So the fuck what, Jessy!?, but I'm wanting to buy one now that won't get won until the end of July, possibly won't even be picked up until August. Sucks.
6. Also, fye gift cards ordered online want you to put in all this info about the recipient. I think this means I've got to schlep over to the mall at some point soon.
7. I've got the stupid split shift tomorrow. Anyone want to hang out between 12:30 and 4:30, give or take?
8. Becca owns a gazebo. That's amazing.
9. I had something, but I lost it.
10. Is it wrong of me to use the survey form in my library preview issue of Shojo Beat to try and win Eyeko makeup and J-pop cds for myself?
11. Here's a question for the library folk: Why are patrons so against putting books on hold? I mean, why, when I tell people I can get them on the waiting list for one of the 63 unavailable copies of The Grim Grotto (exaggeration), they get a weird look on their face and say no thanks? The library already has your information, it's not like we need anything extra, nor are we going out of our way to perform some astronomical favor for you. Please, lady, just let me put in on hold. Thanks.
12. Half of our Spiderwick Chronicles are under DiTerlizzi. The other half are under Black. Discuss how much this drives me insane, keeping in mind I'm the girl whose personal library is shelved using the Library of Congress classifications.
13. I also have a database of all my records, cds, etc. on my computer, but it's sadly in need of updating.
14. How come more picture books aren't bigger than 8 1/2 x 11? I had this great idea to make document holders out of old kids' books, like those handbags made from old hardbacks, but is there a point in creating something to protect, say, a resume, if you still have to fold that item to place it in the protector?
15. I'm reading the first book in Scott Westerfeld's Midnighters series. I can't tell if I like it or not, but maybe it's just because of the awesomeness of the last book I read: Sunshine by Robin Mckinley. Totally filled the hole Joss Whedon left in my Tuesday nights o! so long ago.
16. Someone apparently just made a 911 hang up from the pay phone in the lobby. Bunch of savages in this town.
17. Have I mentioned my distaste for 10-12 year olds? Odd, then, that I had so much fun at the 5th grade retreat last week and am looking forward to the next one so much. Maybe it's just the sort of 10-12 year old boys who travel in packs around here.
18. I've also got a bunch of school visits coming up. This is always fun, especially now that I'm armed with the Magic Booktalking Sentence: "Who wants a book about vampires?" Works like a charm.
19. Werewolves are good too. God bless you, Stephen Cole.
20. You know what's weird? This browser window won't close. Just this one.
21. My typing suddenly went all to hell. Whenever that happens, it makes me think of Douglas Coupland and Miss Wyoming.

kiss and ride on the CTA

If you were where I am right now, you would be watching me do a dance, the "I just registered for ALA" dance.
Therefore, I will be in Chicago June 24-28--including my birthday! (the 27th) Anyone know of any good shows going on then? Anyone want to join me in a massive H&M shopping spree? Ooo, Chicago has a CB2 as well!
I know, I know: there for work. And I'm excited about that shit too! Francesca Lia Block got a fucking LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT award, and I'm going to the luncheon. Hell's ya. And on my birthday? David Sedaris is the guest speaker at a dinner. Plus, anyone who knows me knows that I fully plan on pulling the good ol' "It's my birfday" to try and get extra free shit.
If there's somehow someone reading this who doesn't know me (and why are you reading about my lame ass, anyway?), if you're going to be there, keep an eye out for the Enid Coleslaw-looking overly hyper girl in a t shirt with no collar or sleeves, tight jeans, and either sequin shoes or chucks rocking a Deery Lou tote.
But the real question is, will Brent Hartinger be there? Because, while I love the man and his books (or, at least, the man as I know him through his books and his books), I worry that I will make a huge ass of myself. An even bigger one than usual. I worry that I will tell him that, when I read the description of his man's recent novel, I did not think, hmm, Johnny Appleseed as a gay man: interesting. Instead, I immediately thought, "Everyone knows Custer died at Little Big Horn. What my book presurposes is, what if he didn't?"
I don't know if it's written in kind of an obsolete vernacular or not.
I'm going to take this off now.
I wrote a hit play!
It's so twenty 'til 5 on a Friday. My plans tomorrow are as follows: go to mall for short sleeved cardigan and perhaps prettiness for Lara's graduation, pick up free comics at comic book store, most likely spending $$ as well (why did no one tell me about the Serenity comic!? I hate you all), and, most importantly, sitting on my balcony and reading Sunshine, a vampire novel.
Back on the ALA tip, here's a list of some other authors I might just have to squeal at: Lauren Child, Mo Willems, Holly Black, Nick Hornby, Susan Juby, Tanuja Desai Hidier, Gordon Korman, Rachel Cohn. And a million more.

Cameron Crowe went on to create many of my unrealistic romantic expectations.

KRISTY!: The other day, Tiff revealed that she always thought Kristy was a lesbian. Don't worry, I made the obligatory tasteless softball joke.
I always thought of Kristy as the one who would definitely stick around Stoneybrook and become a total soccer mom. She's the kind of lady who watches Desperate Housewives and doesn't realize that the show is making fun of people like her. As I mentioned in the MaryAnne post, Kristy has several kids, either 3 or 5 (I can't decide). She went to UMass Stoneybrook (wait, was Stoneybrook in Mass or Connecticut? Anyway, she went to the mediocre state school in Stoneybrook). Kristy was that girl on your dorm floor who lived on campus but totally went home every weekend. Kristy never declared a major, because she left in the middle of her sophmore year. Her biology TA had set her up with his roommate, thinking, "Pushy competitive girl + my no-personality, waiting to be whipped roommate = true love, which = he moves out!" This plan worked, and Kristy and--let's call him Lou, shall we?--were married seven months later. 9 months after that, the poorly disciplined children started coming.
Because Kristy is still so competitive but none of the other BSCers have kids yet, she likes to remind them, using her famous blunt honesty, of how "full" her life is, and is that person in all the other girls' lives who is constantly asking when they'll have one of these (gestures to child who has just wormed his sticky way into Stacey's white Paper Denim and Cloth lap).
Of course, Stacey's usually too busy macking on Kristy's older brother to care. She cried all the way through Sweet Home Alabama because it reminded her of what could have been.

And now with this done, I can go back to the normal boring shit I blather on about. Unless I become curious about any other cheesy series' characters' futures, that is. Any requests?

...wonder how they eat and breath, and other science facts

Just as a warning, I’m kinda extra hostile today.
Billboard Magazine for April 16, 2005

• The cover is enough to get me: Gwen Stefani (in this weird bondage-y Alice In Wonderland get up/setting) and Rob Thomas, looking all pensive. I guess we’re supposed to think he looks sensitive, but what he really looks like is, “I miss my friends. Why did I decide to do a solo album again?” Also on the cover are: pic of Dave Matthews looking even puffier than usual advertising the “Touring Special Report,” Elton John looking less puffy than usual in yet another “funky” pair of glasses, some country guy who appears to be looking, Brady Bunch credits-style, at Gwen’s boobs, and Garbage. I believe I covered the “why are they still around?” issue last time.
  
• Page 7: Do I need to even comment on the AoL ad that says “Sell Out Big Time”? I believe I do. Damn, AoL annoys me. Mostly, this is because my parents still insist on using it. On their Mac. In a household with one Pitt employee and one Pitt student, so if they want to go the sucky dial-up route, I just don’t know why they’re paying for it.
  
• Page 11: “Taylor Hawkins & the Coattail Riders”. Stop. Just…stop. On a brighter note, Ric Ocasek launched his own imprint through Sanctuary Music, called Inverse Records. Apparently, it’s going to do something with The Hong Kong, who I mostly associate with the Lucky Magazine piece about the lead singer’s gadgets, home décor, etc. This is in cross-eyed lady’s column, by the way.
  
• Page 27: There’s one thing about Billboard that I’m endlessly frimpressed* by, it’s the industry angle. Here we’ve got an article that’s “profiles of some of the players in transportation and production” with a picture of a big honkin’ tour bus, the kind that always makes me think of Selena, which isn’t a problem, because I kind of like thinking about Selena. It’s my favorite cheesy biopic of a dead pop star, hands down.
  
• Page 38: Kelly Osborne totally looks like she’s wearing a wig. Way too much hair, and I should know what too much hair looks like. And who gave Puffy a megaphone? If I can think of one accessory that man doesn’t need, it’s a goddam megaphone. We already hear enough of you, P.
  
• Page 44: New Backstreet Boys single: “Vocally, BSB aim for a more organic edge, though for better or worse, the act sounds an awful lot like Blessed Union of Souls or Bryan Adams here.” If the Backstreet Boys, excuse me, BSB (NKOTB?) really sounded like Bryan Adams, I would like them. I bought my first real six-string, got it at the five and dime, indeed. New Wallflowers single as well. Jakob’s so pretty, and yet so bland. Oh! Speaking of Dylans, Greil Marcus has a new book coming out all about “Like a Rolling Stone”. My birthday is June 27. I’m just saying. Also new singles from Avril Lavigne and Def Leppard.
  
• Page 49: This issue is decidedly lacking in the cute boy department. Even normally attractive artists are either not pictured or not pictured flatteringly. For instance, here’s a bad photo of Josh Homme, who I still can’t figure out why I’m attracted to, I just am. Like Ryan on the OC.

*Frimpressed, if you care, and I’m pretty well convinced that no one does, is a word I made up to mean that feeling of fear at a skill and being impressed at a skill. Creating marionettes to act out episodes of “My Two Dads”, for example, is a frimpressive act. The word hasn’t caught on as well as “bagoy” (and its plural, “bagoyim”), which is a bread-ring style bagel.

What ever happened to Damone, aside from the Will and Grace cameo?

Mary Anne: When Mary Anne saw High Fidelity, she realized that she was Penny Hardwick, except she had sex in college and has become quite the music snob. With Logan (the college sex, I mean), who was at a different school, having “monogamous” long distance relationships with girls in universities all over the US and one in Canada. Mary Anne majored in psychiatry at someplace like IU or UK (huge school in city made bigger and more hip simply because of the huge school, that kind of thing). She liked the idea of getting away from Kristy, but would never admit to it.
Mary Anne has some crap job for a free newsweekly, like in the classified department or something. Sometimes she gets to write up the weekend listings, and once she got to interview Mike Watt. She thinks her editors just liked the juxtaposition. The powers that be were impressed with the interview, and now get her to write all sorts of things they can't sucker anyone else into doing, which sometimes are the exact pieces Mary Anne wants to write. Only sometimes, though: even she couldn't put a happy face on the "Let's See What Makes These Local Racists Tick" cover story.
Her boyfriend runs a video store, the kind where Teenage Catgirls In Heat is next to that Stan Brakhage documentary that came out a few years ago. He keeps trying to buy it off the ailing and apathetic owner, to very little avail.

Sean Penn's surfer buddy becomes a doctor in a Chicago hospital with an unusually busy emergency room

Can you tell I'm running low on the Ridgemont high memories?

Dawn: C’mon, we all know Dawn only needs 3 letters: L.U.G.
Now she lives at home with her dad and attempts to get a vegetarian catering company off the ground with her shiftless boyfriend and his long, luxurious hippy hair. Rumor has it they've got the food for Trey Anastasio's next birthday party all wrapped up.

the biology teacher with the hot wife starts drinking coffee again

I'm not feeling as accurate about Jessi as the others. Any thoughts or alternative futures for our token African-American babysitter?

Jessi: Jessi winds up in a ballet company in one of those small Midwestern cities with a fabulous ballet company that no one’s quite sure why it’s there. And she is fabulous. The company begins touring, based on her reputation. She and the choreographer have a torrid love affair that leaves her sobbing on Mallory’s couch for a week. Then, on a trip to see that child star she babysat, Jessi sits in on a dance class at the deaf school his brother now teaches at. (That was the deaf kid, right? And it was Kristy who bonded with the autistic boy, right?) All of a sudden, Jessi moves to LA, takes over the dance program for the deaf kids, and then they go on a fabulous world tour (Who knows the Indomitable Spirit theme song?—Tasteless!). During that tour, she falls in love with a parent/chaperone. The students will fondly remember their drunken times while Jessi and her new man weren’t paying them any attention.

Judge Reinholdt's the manager of a 7-11. I miss the pirate suit.

Stacey: Who knew I had so much pent up animosity towards Stacey? Here’s what I came up with, almost totally off the top of my head. Stacey goes to some random UMass and winds up back in NYC, one of those girls with a crap job but Marc Jacobs shoes. She’s very brittle, and if she hadn’t already had the diabetes as a food control thing, she might have wound up with an eating disorder. She gets pissed that Claudia doesn’t give her free shit, but also has been known to make bitchy remarks about her designs and choice to not live in New York. At the last BSC reunion, Mary Anne realized that, if she had to hear Stacey’s “…and then Jerome Casablancas just threw up on me!” story one more time, she was going to reach out a foot and trip one of Kristy’s poorly behaved children. But that’s a whole ‘nother club member.

Next: Jessi
Before: Oh, just click on the Fast Times-referencing links.

Why do you always have to be such a mega-bitch?

You'll note that, since the title isn't a reference to Fast Times at Ridgemont High, this isn't a BSC fanficish post. Instead, this may be an ongoing thing. See, here at work, I get Billboard magazine, since I'm one of the people who orders music. Ever read Billboard? It's possibly the most soul-sucking publication (and even they talked shit on Stefani's solo album--DAMN). Every time I read it, there's a running commentary in my head. Sometimes, the commentary also shows up in an email to Tiff, but that's just selfish.
So I'm keeping this window open and writing this post as I read the April 9, 2005 issue of Billboard magazine. You can read along if you like, but I can't promise any beeps when it's time to turn the page.

• cover: OK, did someone do an extensive search to find the ugliest British band? One of the big draws for Anglophiles like me is that, generally, British bands are just prettier. In fact, let's extend that to all of the British Isles. My birthday is June 27, if someone wants to buy me the Belle and Sebastian DVD.
• I kind of really like that Kaiser Chiefs Riot song. I ordered the cd for the library since the single seems to be everywhere. Same with Louis XIV, except I don't really like that song. Generally, this is my cd collection development policy: if I can't escape the song, or know that I could easily force it on at least 3-4 patrons, or have heard of the rap artist (hip hop isn't very popular here, so I know if I've heard of it, it'll be a big draw), I buy it.
• page 3: I heard the new Garbage song. Why are they still recording, again? Also, I heard what can only be solo Billy Corgan on the radio this morning. Why am I compelled to listen every damn time I hear his voice? Who wants some honey?
• page 5: Oasis. Hee.
• Hey Brian, on page 12 Rev Al Sharpton's talking about hip-hop beefs.
• page 15: The most frightening headline, ever: "Blues Traveler, Hootie Return." It's in Melinda Newman's column as well, and, well, it's mean, but I really wish her photo would be airbrushed. Girlie's crosseyed like--wasn't there some Wayans brother character who was crosseyed? I've got an image in my head of a Wayans with his eyes crossed, acting all crazy.
• Actually, a big sidebar for my Billboard reading could be a list entitled, "Who the fuck let them make another album/tour?"
• page 16: I think Michelle Williams is the prettiest of Destiny's Children. Thoughts?
• page 19: Audioslave=unnecessary.
• Here's that Oasis article I was promised. My favorite Oasis memory is when they were on MTV Beach House performing a song that Noel sang, so Liam just sat on a stool. No tambourine, nothing. Bad. Ass.
• Ew, Jet are opening for Oasis. Yuck. Wouldn't mind seeing Oasis; wonder how far I'd have to drive. Not really willing to pay $30-40, though.
• page 37: Todd Martens, everybody: the Dick (High Fidelity, not anatomy) of Billboard. You know he was all like, Wait! I have to change into my Wilco jacket before you take the picture! True to form, though, I am attracted to the guy, and he's got the only column I actually read everytime, instead of just skimming for snark material. A couple months ago, my favorite Philadelphia record store (AKA) showed up there, but I dont' remember in what context.
• page 41: Who's heard about this Alanis acoustic Jagged Little Pill? Do I need to say unnecessary again? Yeah, it's being released only at Starbucks first b/c you have to be in an uncaffienated coma to think it's a good purchase. I really hate Alanis, De-Lovely contribution nonwithstanding. Last issue, there was some local record store owner bitching out the agreement as being unfair to his customers, who want the cutting edge, best, newest, etc. My response: then why are they after Alanis? Why!? (Green slime just fell on my head. Wait, was that "why"?)
• page 63: Is the Bloc Party any good? Now there's a cute British band!

Here endeth the readalong.

They still haven't gone all the way.

Mallory: Mallory’s a children’s librarian. She wears a lot of long denim overall dresses. Her first picture book is about to come out, and she’s thinking about chatting up the single dad who was reading Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs to his kid the other day. She lives by herself and enjoys "forgetting" to call back her siblings, particularly Vanessa, who still speaks primarily in rhyme and is pursuing her MFA at Iowa. 2 of the triplets are well-adjusted, 2.5 kids in the suburbs and all that, and the 3rd is a total fuck-up. He and Mallory get along better than anyone else in the family. Mallory also has a large group of friends.

How am I doing here, people? Accurate so far? Stacey's next, and, I gotta tell you, it's kinda bleak.
And if you're not a BSC fan, sorry. But you know, chances are, if you read this, you know someone who was a BSC fan. Why not impress the pants off her with some random preteenfic knowledge?

Previously on "I'm a Loser Theatre": Claudia and Janine

Phoebe Cates had an affair with her professor.

I came up with all of this yesterday while I was in the shower, getting dressed, and putting my makeup on. See what my mind comes up with to entertain itself during pledge drives?
I realized on my drive home last night that Claudia's sister's name is actually Janine. Oops.

Claudia: Claudia goes somewhere like Colombia College in Chicago (small, not NYC, that sort of thing). She starts with art, but then learns to sew and goes into fashion. She has her own boutique and has been featured in Lucky. A little while ago, she found a picture of the BSC and couldn’t stop laughing at how she was dressed. She blew the photo up to poster size to decorate her store. She was surprised that none of the other club members thought the picture was very funny.

Next up: Mallory.
Last time: Janine.

He spent all the reward money hiring Van Halen to play at his birthday party.

I was thinking this morning about book characters, and what they would be like as adults. Don’t ask me why, I think it was a combination of the current issue of VOYA, which has an article about fanfic, Francesca Lia Block’s new Weetzie Bat book, where Weetzie is in her 40s and questioning her marriage (I can’t wait to read this!), and Blake Nelson’s Rock Star, Superstar, which popped into my head for some reason and has its main characters playing shows with Thriftstore Apocalypse (band in his earlier novel, Girl, which was a HUGE influence on me). So here’s some of what I came up with. Feel free to argue, come up with your own, and/or tell me how brilliantly spot-on I am. I'm going to do a character a day, so I don't get overwhelmed with my own geekery.

The Babysitter’s Club
These are still being written, I think, but the characters are still the same age. Obviously, this game isn’t as fun with someone like Adrian Mole.

Janice: Janice has her PhD in some very science-y thing and is doing Important Research somewhere like Wisconsin-Madison. Stem cells or brain trauma or something. She and Claudia hadn’t talked for awhile, but then an acquaintance mentioned how science people tend to think they’ve got the best, hardest kind of smart and how irritating that can be for the rest of us. Janice called Claudia that night to apologize, and they’ve been a lot closer. She’s the only person Claudia dresses for free. She’s engaged to the guy who used to be her lab’s receptionist temp, who is one of those “creative types”, but not in the Corky kind of way.
Which leads one to wonder, why have I thought so much about Janice when she was a minor and annoying character?

Next time: Claudia.